Dreams

I awakened this morning, not quite as usual, instead of the alarm, which had already been tapped on snooze, my littlest dog was getting sick to her stomach, just as I rounded the corner out of my room there goes projectile vomit spewing from her kennel, where I keep her at night. And, I had just mopping the floor! For some reason, all of the female dogs we've had have had this problem of being finacky eaters, and therefore when they get really hungry because they've protested their nightly or morning meal, the puke, my guess an unsettled stomach. Well, she ate her morning meal like a champ after that! My guess was probably correct she was hungry!

I ate breakfast with my husband as I usually do, but then my dream came back into my mind. Last night, I dreamt that Penn was alive again. He was laying on some table, and I knew he was gone, but because his skin was scaly I decided to put lotion on his legs and feet like I had done so many times before he passed. I started rubbing it in, and his leg began to lift up, on it's own. Then he started moving, as if all he needed was a little stimulation to come out of his deep sleep I knew as death. He opened his eyes, and looked at me as though he was stunned to be back in his body. I quickly picked him up and held him just thanking God that he was with me again. I craddled him, and went to wake someone up to show them that Penn was alive! She didn't seem too aroused by my news, which I didn't mind, at least I was holding Penn.

I used to pray to God that he would allow me to be with Penn in my dreams. I missed him so much, but I could never remember a dream whereby my prayer was answered. Last night it was, but ironically enough, it's after I realized yesterday how I was moving on. I don't think it's that complex, but it's ironic.

Before I fell asleep last night I read a short story about Christmas mysteries. The short story was called Live Tree. In the story, the main male character's brother shows up unannounced on the doorstep after having been let out of prison for good behavior on the holidays, with the contention that he'd return to prison. He brought with him a live Christmas tree to plant for the family. He spent three or so days with the family. But, after he left, they found a letter that had been mailed from the prison just days before his brother arrived. It was a death notice informing them that Willy had died of pneumonia, BEFORE he arrived at their house. So, as it appeared, Willy's ghost is the one that visited.

Undoubtedly, I went to bed thinking about this idea, and it happened that my dream involved Penn's ghost. I just wish that I didn't have to wake up thinking about it. Because even though it was so fresh the minute I awakened, I cannot feel what it was like anymore in my dream to hold him.

Another corner in the road to healing

Today is 11 days shy of being three months since my son passed. I moved seamlessly through my day on autopilot, going to lunch with my husband, coming home, walking the dogs, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping, dusting, waxing and sweeping again (this time outside). I am just a bit exhausted.

Today for the first time, I could not cry really when going through the cards people sent to us when Penn died. I was going through the cards to complete my Christmas card mailing list, and just teared up, but something came over me that prevented me from crying.

It's as though I am beginning to go through the first part of this journey all over again. The first couple of weeks were surprisingly easier than month one to month two. It was fresh in my mind, but adrenaline I guess kept me sane, and then reality kicked in, and the pain of not having Penn came full force. Just about that time is when people started not being as available to talk, and I guess moved on with their lives. It was time for me to move on with mine to, I guess. But, how do you move on, when you want to hang on to every single memory, every single thought, hair, smell, touch of your child that is no longer with you? It's like being stuck in quick sand. The harder you try to get out of it, the deeper you go, until finally the top of your head is the only thing remaining above the line of sand the encompasses you.

Today, I feel as though a force, perhaps God, pulled me out from the sand which quickly was sucking me under. I feel still in shock but alive. I am still covered with the icky mess, and some is still in my lungs, but I am not in that pool of sand, sinking to my grave anymore.

No clouds in the sky

It's a beautiful Tuesday, and more importantly the hubby is home with me as it is his day off. I am so excited to get to spend time with him. I love him being around, he has such a spirit for life that it's infectious... I didn't have my daily morning cry yet this morning. I think it's cathartic to get all of my sorrow out early on. I received several emails this morning and was very pleased to have gotten them. It makes me feel that Penn is carrying on. He has inspired people to pursue new ideas that will improve healthcare, and I am so very please by it.

Brad and I are not going to actively share this, but we got our results back from our genetic testing and both of us carry a mutation on the MTHFR. They're opposite mutations, but we each have one which increases our risk of giving life to a child with a congenital heart defect absent even of Down Syndrome. We will be getting fetal echo done when I am 18 weeks. I am only 7 weeks 2 days right now, so it's a ways away. I will be on November 27 at 1pm in Austin getting tested for the nuchal translucency screen.

I spoke with my doctor about the supplementation of the progesterone and because I am showing no signs right now of potential miscarriage, he is not going to supplement me. If he did, he would try to get me to 20-25 level. I was 12 with Penn. So, we'll see what the tests reveal.

Dogs

Last night April, our 1.5 year old black german shepherd stayed up all night with a cough and wheezing. She was having a hard time breathing. I stayed up with her and held her head in a position that she breath easier and could get some sleep, she fell fast asleep. I began thinking that maybe it was something really serious. This morning I had to take our new puppy, Hailey to the vet to remove a staple from her spaying a couple weeks ago. I took April with me. When April was finally seen, the vet was nervous, I could tell. He mentioned bloat and I thought, "here we go again." Our 10.5 year old black GS had bloat last November and almost died. I was three months pregnant with Penn at the time. I had to consent to the surgery to untwist his stomach and was told he probably wouldn't make it...would I give consent for them to put him down if it seemed as though he wouldn't make it and he was in pain? I never thought I would, but I did, but he made it. This morning I started thinking, "what would I do if I was faced with this again?" It makes me feel like giving up to think about it. In the past two years I have lost my 30 year old brother to a sudden heart attack, my 2 year old black GS, Emma to a spaying that she didn't respond favorably to (10 days after my brother) and then Penn this year. Less than a month later I was thinking this morning I could be facing another loss. Could I stomach it? I am glad to know now that the vet thinks that April has kennel cough which she caught from Hailey. She's on antibiotics for it now. Wheww! Praise the Lord for letting me keep precious April. Just yesterday Brad and I went to Enchanted Rock with all of our dogs, Dakota, April and Hailey. It was awesome, and fun to have a "pack" with us. It felt like having a family!