Instincts

I am confused. I used to think that my instincts were somewhat reliable, but I just don't know anymore. Throughout my pregnancy with Penn, I couldn't shake the feeling that I wouldn't be able to get to hold him, and though I felt as though I was not connected to my growing baby, I felt like I should have been. I couldn't imagine life with a newborn, and what my life would be like when I had him in my arms...if I ever did.

During week 37 I was catapulted into a feeling of being certain that something was wrong with him, and it was a feeling I couldn't shake for the next two weeks until on Mother's Day I gave birth.

Now with this baby I feel like I am not even pregnant. And, I cannot imagine my life with this baby.

I just wonder how much of this "instinct" has to do with the fact that in the past two years I have lost my brother, my dog (best friend), and my son. And, I wonder if this has to do with my motherly instinct. I just cannot decipher.