Seek the Kingdom of God

Today in church the pastor shared with us Isaiah 52. He also spoke of IICorinthians 5:14, and Deuteronomy, as well as Romans 6. Perhaps the most interesting testimony of the mockery of Grace Christians display is to think that they can get away with things because they will be forgiven. In Romans, Peter said something to the effect that "God forbid we sin more to enjoy abundance of Grace?"

Interesting. The pastor suggested rather vehemently that Western Christianity has a huge problem. We are fine as long as we're saved. We don't seek the Kingdom of God, we do not allow ourselves to want. We do not sacrifice for the purpose of God. If we see it, we look. If it smells good, we eat it. If we want it, we get it, do it, go after it...but do we have our sights on the Kingdom when we do? Do we seek to Love God, or to love ourselves and our own selfish sinning desires?

He's right. We do have a big problem. We do not know what it is like to subject ourselves to little.

I have a nice home. I have a wonderful husband. We have nice cars, we eat well. When we feel like going out to eat, we do. When we feel like renting a movie or vegging on the couch we do. When we would rather stay at home than to socialize we do. When Penn was with us, for a good period of time we didn't allow our in laws to take care of him. Mostly out of fear, but partly because WE wanted him. Our selfishness was to keep him all to ourselves. When he was in the hospital, though I was advocating for him, I don't think I was seeking the Kingdom of God. There were times I felt like I had become possessed by some evil force, and couldn't shake it. I had a very hard time stepping back, and I was in that moment, not seeking the "Kingdom", for God does reign, but for me, he was not in control. The control was had by "me", not the Kingdom.

I don't blame myself. It is human nature to be contrived, to lean on your own understanding, and to stand behind a wall of defenses when you're in a battle. There was no other way I knew how to be. Though I was "saved", confessed Jesus as my savior at the age of 14, I have been seriously in need of a stronger relationship with the one who walks beside you in the valley of the shadow of death, for a long time now.

I do wonder. I wonder whether having more faith, and being able to relinquish a little control to my savior, to my God, would have helped the sour relationships be less so at the hospital.

When I say control, I do not mean advocacy. I mean, bitterness, and thinking that the doctors have all of the answers. I relied on my own understanding, and your own understanding can only get you as far as your knowledge takes you. When you step out of the realm of your knowledge, you really have no choice but to turn over control in some respect. I would never say that I should have relinquished the control to the doctors, but to God. God is the only one to seek wisdom, power, knowledge, grace, faith, courage and strength from...

I had a friend tell me on week three to "let him go." I thought, "are you mad??" She is a very strong believer, and what I think she was trying to say is that I needed to let God take the wheel. I never really did, though I prayed like I have never prayed before, and though I kept my head high and didn't cry until the end really, I never really allowed God to take the wheel.

What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Though I smashed the car into the wall, wrecking every time, what left I had of the car I continued with the insanity.

I think this morning's message was one of great importance in my life. One I will meditate on.